EVENT HORIZONS

Contributions always accepted...please stop by occasionally for updates!

Engineering can be stressful, particularly in todays "Just-in-Time" world. Therefore, we prescribe daily comics for everyone. If you can't take the time to enjoy yourself then you are doomed to an unhappy life.

We regret that "Calvin and Hobbes" is no longer publishing. Every good engineer can remember building some type of "transmorgifier" in their youth. It is an essential component of every engineers psyche to occasionally spend time in a fantasy world. Some more then others.

Charles Shultz, author of "Peanuts", passed away in 1999. He will be missed by all. Every true engineer has at some time identified with Charlie Brown or Snoopy and generations of engineers yet to come will enjoy the timeless characters.

Dilbert by Scott Adams is of course the quintessential engineer. Loved by all workers in the trenches...er, cubicles and viewed with distrust by all pointy-haired bosses.

Sally Forth by Greg Howard may not seem to be about engineering at first glance. The main character has all the problems that every engineer has had to deal with, right down to the crochety boss.

and many others....

P.S. If you know a better place to get these comics, please e-mail the webmaster.

Engineer Humour

The Best way to compare a Mac to a PC to Linux  (Sent to me by James Hutchinson)

        Macs are like buying a foreign car that works great but is more expensive and needs special parts and mechanics. 
        Microsoft is like buying a poorly made but cheap car. Parts are plentiful, but everything seems to always be breaking. But, hey, that's what mechanics are for! 
        Linux is like having a group of half-insane people down the street giving away M1 Abrams tanks for free and wondering why everyone isn't jumping to take one. 
        Because most people can't drive a tank!

A selection of techno-quips: (Some I've seen before, some were new to me) (Received from Don Webster)

#1. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF. All my base Are belong to you (someone on SlashDot)
#2. There is no place like 127.0.0.1
#3. Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken
#4. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
#5. Computers are incredibly fast, accurate, and stupid; humans are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant; together they are powerful beyond imagination. (Albert Einstein)
#6. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.
#7. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
#8. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. (Weinberg's Second Law)
#9. I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
#10. I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
#11. My Software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
#12. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.
#13. Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn't leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn't loan them out to strangers
#14. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue
#15. A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?
#16. I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident. I was thinking "What the hell is this guy doing?"
#17. Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button.
#18. Alert! User Error. Please replace user and press any key to continue
#19. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

If Bud ABBOTT and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

            (Received from Jim Riley)

            COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

            ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
            COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. 

            ABBOTT: Mac? 

            COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou. .

            ABBOTT: Your computer? 

            COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
            ABBOTT: Mac?

            COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

            ABBOTT: What about Windows?

            COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
            ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
            COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

            ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

            COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

            ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

            COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
            ABBOTT: Office.
            COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
            ABBOTT: I just did.
            COSTELLO: You just did what?

            ABBOTT: Recommend something.

            COSTELLO: You recommended something ?

            ABBOTT: Yes.
            COSTELLO: For my office?

            ABBOTT: Yes.
            COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

            ABBOTT: Office.
            COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

            ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
            COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! 

                                    OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

            ABBOTT: Word.
            COSTELLO: What word?

            ABBOTT: Word in Office.

            COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
            ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
            COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
            ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
            COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. 

                                    What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
            ABBOTT: Money.
            COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?
            ABBOTT : Money.
            COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?
            ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.
            COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?
            ABBOTT : Money.
            COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?
            ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

            COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

            ABBOTT : One copy.
            COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?
            ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money..
            COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?
            ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

            (A few days later)

            ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
            COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

            ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.......

PDF Version of above

and for the more mature viewer...

PG-13 PDF Version

Many Takes on Comprehending Engineers:

Eternally Optimistic
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Effective utilization of resources
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?  "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him." "Hi George.  Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding the differences
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

More on the differences
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What every university degree is for
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


What Engineers really want
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."  "Both?" the architect and artist asked suprisingly.
The Engineer replied "Yeah.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Some Q & A about engineers: (Received from Prentiss Robinson)

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he/she realizes he/she doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he/she talks to you, he/she looks at your shoes instead of his/her own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him/her to a chair, stand in front of him/her, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse or significant other is taking his/her sweet time!
(Submitted by Prentiss Robinson)

• Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
• Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
• Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
• Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
• Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
• Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
• Put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
• Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
• Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
• When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
• Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with Pokemon vs. the X-Men.
• Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
• While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
• Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
• Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
• Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
• In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
• Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
• When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume "It's those voices again!"
• If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
• Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

How to determine if you qualify as an engineer: (Selected items from multiple sources)

• You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
• If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
• If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
• If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN (or RTN)  stands for.
• If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
• If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
• If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
• If you know what http:// stands for.
• If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
• If a team of you and your coworkers has set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
• If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
• If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

Dinner at the Microsoft Restaraunt:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
  [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
  [waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
  Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
  Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
  Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Getting a new job: (Submitted by Don Webster)

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Event Horizons Human Resources Manager asked a young Engineer fresh out of school, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Well yeah, but you started it!"

Food for thought: If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

On Campus...

Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike.
She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says "You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."

How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the engineering department:

• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
• No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
• Grow mold in your coffee cup.
• When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
• Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

While this is not technically "Engineer Humor", most engineers can understand this...

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to: "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday.
Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't care one way or the other.

Not specifically about engineers, but we understand perfectly....

This page was last updated January 18, 2010.